Chains Forged by Lies

              I dug my fingers into the carpet and screamed.  My whole body stiffened with the scream until there was no air left in my lungs.  Gasping, I pulled myself forward on my stomach, sucking in more air to scream again.  My four children, ages 1-5, stood aghast as I continued to scream and drag myself in circles on my stomach on the living room floor.  What was I doing?  I knew it made no sense.  I wasn't angry or hurt.  Something in my brain had snapped—rebelled against some mysterious pressure that would never leave me.  How had I gotten to this point?

              About three years before that day I began an unfortunate habit of occasionally collapsing for no apparent reason.  I remained conscious, while my energy flowed out of me as quickly as if someone had pulled the plug in the bathtub.  Hours of bed rest later, I felt fine.  This happened about once a year until my youngest child was a year old.  I had already suffered a year of difficult post-partum depression, wanting to hurt myself for the first time in my life.  By the grace of God I never retrieved the kitchen knife to slash myself as I so often craved to do.

              Around this time, I collapsed again.  We assumed that I would soon recover like all the other times.  Instead, the very next morning, I found that I could not stay on my feet.  I had no energy.  I was dizzy.  One leg dragged behind me as I walked.  I was easily given to hyperventilating under periods of stress and chaos.  I stayed in bed almost constantly for the next two weeks, relying on my husband and friends to take over my duties as wife and mother.

              Visiting doctors became a minor hobby for me during that time.  One doctor was convinced I had epilepsy and put me on a mild anti-seizure medication which ultimately enhanced all of my anxieties, depression, desire for self-harm, and physical symptoms.  I was in bed for two months.  I quit taking this medicine after it left me screaming and crawling in circles on my living room floor.  A year later, another doctor decided that my tests were inconclusive anyway.  No one ever knew what was wrong with me.

              Although I significantly improved after stopping this medication, and again after being anointed by my church, I never fully recovered from any of these symptoms.  They still plagued me.  They kept me from driving when I was stressed or ill.  I practically lived in my bedroom to avoid the children’s noise and needs.  I often took 3-5 hour naps and still slept soundly all night.

              All of this we dealt with, hoping that one day I would be fully healed.  Then one day, I caved into my four-year temptation to hurt myself.  Instead of turning to knives, though, I began pouring hot water on my legs and clawing myself.  At this point, we turned to the Women’s Refuge of Vero Beach, a residential Christian counseling center, for help.

              I stayed at the Refuge for four weeks, during which time I discovered the source of my illness:  I was soul-sick.  My sickness was fed by lies that I had believed about God, about myself, and about relationships.  In a month, I had discovered over thirty lies that had forged chains, chains that kept me from living the abundant life that Jesus had promised me.

              One by one, I began to confront those lies with the scriptural truth, and as I did so, those chains fell and shattered at my feet.  I was overjoyed to be set free from emotional bondage that had held me captive for years, but I was absolutely astounded when I realized that ALL of my physical symptoms were caused by the same problem of lies! 

              Today, by learning to recognize lies and tell myself the truth, I have found freedom and healing from a host of chains:  obsessive compulsive thoughts, depression, self-harm, pressure to perform, perfectionism, and even complete physical healing!  I know that not all physical illnesses are caused by lies, but this time it was.

              At “Break My Chains”, I want to show you, one step at a time, how Jesus used the truth to set me free.  I hope you follow me so you can see what a wonderful Savior my Lord Jesus is, because I know He can break your chains, too.

Scripture to Study:

John 8:31-32  To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Suggested Book to Read:

Telling Yourself the Truth, by William Backus and Marie Chapian